File number: Ho Ho Ho!
TITLE OF PROCEEDINGS
Plaintiff: Floyd Alexander-Hunt
Defendant: Santa Claus
PLEADINGS AND PARTICULARS
The plaintiff [Ms. Alexander-Hunt] seeks to bring a number of actions against the defendant [Santa]. These include but are not limited to:
- Trespass – Not only did Santa enter the plaintiff’s property without consent, but he did it via the fake chimney which was never intended for people, or fire for that matter. Who still uses chimneys? The dog door was also broken thanks to Santa’s reindeers and their severe body dysmorphia.
- Failure to perform the contract – The implied contract between Santa and children everywhere is that if they are good, Santa will give them what is on their wishlists. Back in 2006, Santa failed to give the plaintiff the unreleased Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. How is it possible that Anne Hathaway could get a copy in The Devil Wears Prada, but Santa could only manage a second-hand copy of Eragon?
- Defamation – In 2007, Santa put the plaintiff on his Naughty List, which has damaged her reputation as the favourite child. Her parents have never looked at her the same, partly because they’re losing their eyesight but mainly because of the Santa thing.
- Theft – It has been widely reported (and in some circles sung) that “I saw Mommy kissing Santa”. Not only is this inappropriate workplace conduct, but Santa was a major factor in the plaintiff’s parents’ divorce.
- Illegal dumping – Santa is liable for leaving cookie crumbs, splashed milk, chewed up carrots and soot all around the plaintiff’s house. Also, in 2007 he left a lump of coal in the plaintiff’s stocking, leaving the plaintiff unsure as to whether Santa is pro- or anti-fossil fuels.
- Labour law – Forcing his elves to work while listening to Christmas music all year round is a serious offence. Santa is yet to engage in formal negotiation with the elvish union with talks delayed due to yet another food coma.
- Tax evasion – Much like Trump, Santa has flat-out refused to show his tax records. What is he hiding? It is reported that Santa was recently included in the scandalous Pole Papers, with fictitious accounts under names like “The Abominable Snowman” and “Elsa”.
- Fraud – Santa is attempting to shape-shift under multiple aliases including Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle and Santa. It is also fraudulent for Santa to take credit for gifts that were clearly given by the plaintiff’s parents.
- Misleading and deceptive conduct – Santa’s claims that he delivers presents to millions of children around the world in just one night are an unrealistic portrayal of international travel. He would be stuck in quarantine for at least 72 weeks this year.
The applicant demands that Santa:
- Leave presents at the door, like a regular postman
- Shred the Naughty List
- Join F45 to lose a few
- Stop kissing mums
- Stick to one nickname
- Pay the elves and let them choose the playlist for once
- Stop spreading COVID-19 and misinformation about international travel
This pleading was prepared by [Ms. Alexander-Hunt] as no lawyer would dare take on Santa.