By Floyd Alexander-Hunt -
Everyone’s heard of the game Seven Minutes in Heaven (aka Spin the Bottle), which is not very appropriate for the office. But don’t fear, because Seven Minutes of Legal Heaven is, and we have the scoop.
The rules are simple: tell your boss you have a really big case you’ll be working on all day, find some coworkers who aren’t narks, and sit in a circle plaiting each other’s hair like teenagers. Instead of spinning the bottle, spin the gavel, and once you have a pair go find a cupboard (or meeting room if one is ever available).
Subtly close the door and keep the lights on – we don’t want a work, health and safety incident for goodness’ sake. Instead of kissing (again, not workplace appropriate) choose any one of the following heavenly legal activities:
- Instead of re-enacting a kinky fantasy, re-enact the Donoghue v Stevenson case. Flip a coin to see who gets to play the snail.
- If you’re feeling crazy, imagine it’s 5pm and you’re actually leaving work during daylight.
- Sure, kissing is fun, but you know what’s more fun? Chanting actus reus over and over until you don’t know what it means. Wait, what does it mean?
- Do nothing. After six minutes, charge a client for it!
- Don’t whisper sweet nothings to each other, whisper Kirby dissents. Remember though – you only have seven minutes.
- Forget love letters – find your old law school transcripts and change every grade to a HD. If your employer asks, just say “but my marks were Hot Damn!” That’ll definitely set you up to make partner.
- No need to take off your clothes. In fact, put more on – seriously, that wig and robe make you look like a legal Marie Antoinette.
- Do nothing again. God, your client is an idiot.
- Don’t call your ex. Instead, call IT and ask for some help with property law. You slept through that unit at law school and now Google isn’t giving you the answers.
- Who cares about being the most kissable person when you could be the most “reasonable person”? Take turns trying it out and no, Karen, it isn’t reasonable to say, “I love my job”.
- Don’t lock lips. Instead, lock the clerks in to do your work for you while you hang out in a cupboard.
- If you feel things steaming up, take your shoes off and pretend you’re a really grounded person #humblelawyer
- Forget kissing positions, try a different legal position. Pretend you’ve both made partner and act like it – do nothing and charge triple.
- A kiss is a big gesture, but you know what’s a bigger one? Bowing unnecessarily like you’re in a courtroom for an entire seven minutes.
