By -

In June 2020, Sky News reported that people in Sydney have been “defaming statues”. This prompted action within the inanimate object community.

While dead people cannot sue for defamation, there is no explicit statutory bar to statues or fountains bringing a suit. Moreover, you can’t spell statute of limitations without “statue”, so that basically cancels out the one-year limitation period. These revelations have opened the flood gates to a slew of defamation suits in NSW.

The Statue of Queen Victoria located outside the QVB is suing an Instagram influencer for posting its picture with the hashtag #incest. While technically true, the statue pleads with the court to understand that in the 19th century, a first cousin was the equivalent of Harry Styles. 

The statue of Gilgamesh, located at the University of Sydney, is described as a demigod. Gilgamesh is bringing a suit against a bunch of first-year law students who compared themselves to the statue because of their high ATARs. The statue is furious that its demigod status has been likened to a “high score in the IB”.

A memorial of William Shakespeare, located near the Botanic Gardens, has been graffitied by a bunch of teens who “hate studying Macbeth”. The statue is bringing a suit as it is insulted by the graffiti covering its largely pigeon-pooed exterior. 

The Archibald Fountain in Hyde Park was designed to represent the association of Australia and France in World War I. However, after 88 years of being peed on by drunk Sydneysiders, the fountain is suing for defamation. The question for the court will be whether urination constitutes damage to one’s reputation. In the meantime, we encourage Sydneysiders to use public toilets because, like a Parisian with a tourist, the fountain is très pissed off. 

Il Porcellino, the pig statue that sits outside Sydney Hospital, was a gift to help raise funds. Anyone who rubs the pig’s nose and drops a coin into the pool beneath is supposed to experience good luck. The statue is suing for misleading statements made by Miss Piggy who claimed Il Porcellino, her ex-partner, was “unanimated”. Il Porcellino has responded by labelling Miss Piggy a “mere puppet”, potentially sparking a counter claim. 

A statue of some old white dude has complained about its label as a white supremacist, considering that the statue is clearly grey. 

The statue of Cupid in the Botanic Gardens is fighting claims that its magic arrows are ineffective with the increasing divorce rate post-COVID-19. Cupid is relying on the truth defence, which is premised on the notion that two people should not spend months at a time together.   

Sculptures by the Sea are hoping to bring a joint claim for defamation after being criticised by one too many yuppy fake-tanned British migrants. 

These defamation suits in NSW have led inanimate objects all around the world to revolt. Reports overseas say that Oscar Wilde’s tomb, the Statue of Liberty and the Trevi Fountain are considering a joint nuisance suit for featuring in too many basic Instagram pictures.