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Inspired by the trashy rom com How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days, this new summer blockbuster – How to Lose A Trial In 10 Days – has it all: romance, politics, empowering female characters … Wait, I’m describing a film that literally doesn’t exist. Let’s try again. This film has mediocre male characters, dry discovery documents, and serious six-minute billing periods. An added bonus is that it completely fails the Bechdel test. Forget Hollywood – this movie is set in a courtroom with appalling reviews on Google and no recognisable actors. Get ready for the movie of the year or, as we are calling it, the movie you won’t want to see again.

In anticipation of the film, here are 20 ways to lose a trial in 10 days:

  1. Forget sending flowers, focus on planting evidence. 
  2. Whenever you address the judge, use cute pet names like Judgy Boo and Justice Honey Bee. Saying “Your Honour” is so 2019.
  3. Crash the jurors’ party and supply them with a Ouija board.
  4. If the judge overrules any of your objections, suggest urgent couples counselling. 
  5. If footage is shown in court, talk loudly over the top to ruin the movie for everyone else. 
  6. Gaslight all the witnesses, throwing unfounded accusations at them until one sticks. 
  7. Guilt trip your own client into pleading guilty. 
  8. Snoop through the judge’s phone and files. Be sure to call them out for anything you find.
  9. Bribe opposing counsel with that $20 Westfield voucher your mum got you for your 30th birthday.
  10. Lie about your previous experience. As Mike from Suits taught us, not going to law school helps to create drama.
  11. Dress to impress, cut a leg slit in your barrister robes.  
  12. Refer to a podcast as if it were factual information. 
  13. Message the judge constantly during the trial – sweet things like “you look good in that wig, keep up the good work”. Be sure to use the salsa dancer and eggplant emojis. 
  14. Share too much information that was told to you in confidence by your client.
  15. Push your bench closer to the judge, citing that you feel extra clingy today. 
  16. Put the cross in cross examination and get furious for absolutely no reason.
  17. Sing your favourite karaoke tune into the microphone.
  18. Turn up to other trials the judge is presiding over and accuse them of cheating. Throw their clothes down the aisle in protest. 
  19. Whenever anyone speaks, yell “Hearsay!” like you’re on an American TV show. 
  20. Ghost them – don’t respond or show up to the trial.

Hopefully, these tips will help you to lose your next trial. If you are successful in losing, please share your story with LSJ and go into the draw to win two tickets to the premiere of How to Lose A Trial In 10 Days*. 

*Funding for the film has not yet been confirmed due to COVID-19 but mostly because it is a terrible idea.