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The pandemic has hit everyone hard, including fiction’s most infamous lawyers. Harvey Specter, Mike Ross, Elle Woods, Saul Goodman, Alicia Florrick, Lionel Hutz, and Atticus Finch have all been let go from their respective law firms. Desperate for work, they now seek urgent career advice from LSJ.

Harvey Specter: First, stop hiring lawyers who don’t have law degrees and are trying to cover it up. In a job interview, bragging about “how awesome” you are is unlikely to make a good first impression. You’re a lawyer, not a personal trainer. Also, giving advice like, “when your back’s  against the wall, break the goddamn thing down!” is not constructive, nor in the scope of your retainer. It is also in direct breach of most OH&S policies. We encourage you to break the emotional wall you have up, but not the literal one. In your last job, HR were concerned that you never went home or ate food. This is a serious issue, and we think you should see a therapist. Please note, by “see” we don’t mean “date”.
Mike Ross: You literally don’t have a law degree; you are not a lawyer.
Elle Woods: Stop bringing your pet Bruiser to work. We know Bruiser got used to you being home during the pandemic, but that is not a licence to bring him to court. It goes without saying that barking does not constitute a legitimate objection. In your next role, remember that casual Friday does not extend to pink-sequinned bikinis, and you’re not eligible for sick leave when “Jupiter is in retrograde”. Please consider ceasing and desisting, rather than bending and snapping – it might elongate your hamstrings but will severely limit your career.
Saul Goodman: You seem to be more of a conman than a lawyer. Consider politics.
Alicia Florrick: Your angsty and complicated vibe is repelling people away. You’ve been the “good wife”, but a couple more hours in the library, instead of looking pensively out of your glass-cubicle, could make you the great wife. Please note, workplace relationships are frowned upon.
Lionel Hutz:  The problem is you’re two dimensional (literally). You’ve also lost almost all of your cases, which makes getting another job very difficult. You spent several years in a successful franchise, so leverage your networking to connect you with other cartoons’ legal work. Tom and Jerry are littered with negligence; Johnny Bravo is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen; and South Park is rife with potential actions in defamation.
Atticus Finch: It is surprising that you have been let go given you are the pinnacle of integrity and have inspired so many people to become lawyers. Age has not been kind to you, so perhaps it’s time you stopped taking off your glasses every time you want to make a poignant argument. You’re not a young man, and your eyes aren’t what they used to be. Last week you addressed your closing argument to the water cooler. Consider laser eye surgery or a dignified retirement.