Avid for scandal: the sporting edition

Serena Williams
While my tennis experience is limited to totem tennis (the one where the ball is attached to a pole by string), I’ve looked carefully into Williams’ legal exposure. Were Williams to face a particularly litigious opponent or spectator, she could be liable for battery or nuisance. If a stray tennis ball from her ace hits another ball boy, a claim in battery could be meritorious – though a rebound would be considered a legitimate novus actus interveniens. Further, though more pertinent to Maria Sharapova, Williams could attract liability in nuisance if her noises on the court are too loud. Williams has a number of available defences, including tennis elbow, heat stroke, family (Venus is fair game) and pride (aka when a 40-year-old man says he can beat her in tennis).

Michael Phelps
I don’t think I’ve ever swum 100m in under one minute, but I did make an extraordinary dash to a pool bar once. Nevertheless, a deep-dive into legal issues in the pool has revealed Phelps could face suits in trespass, negligence and damage to public property. To avoid a trespass claim, all he needs to do is stay in his lane. Not metaphorically, literally. Moreover, though the Bolam-principle would indicate that everyone in the industry shaves their whole body, it is an unfortunate slipping danger (and on a societal level it promotes unfair beauty standards). Finally, peeing in the pool is a big no-no, or in legal terms, damage to public property.

Usain Bolt
Again, I’m not a runner per se, but I have run for the bus. Missed it of course but that’s irrelevant. Bolt may face three potential law suits – speeding and intimidation. First, running over 40km an hour is illegal on weekdays from 8.30am-9am and 3pm-3.30pm in a school zone. Additionally, Bolt should be careful not to run in public as that may constitute psychiatric assault to your average joe running for their mental health.

Cristiano Ronaldo
I’ve won more world cups than Ronaldo (on PlayStation), so I feel particularly equipped to deal with this case. Christiano Ronaldo is only guilty of one crime, and that’s undue influence on straight women. Case closed.

Michael Jordan
I have no experience in basketball, but I do I wear sneakers which makes me somewhat of an expert. Key areas of concern include breach of contract and failing to meet occupational health and safety regulations. If Jordan wears literally any other shoe (slides, dress shoes, bare feet) he is in breach of his contract with Nike. Moreover, he must avoid all rides at theme parks and road tunnels due to his height.

Please note, Floyd is not technically permitted to give sporting advice as she never attended PE and considers walking to the fridge a legitimate form of exercise.